In English I'm someone else

The interview was going really well. It was in the afternoon, Argentina time, with a recruiter from a US company I was really interested in. The product was the kind that makes you want to work there. We talked about my experience, the projects I'd been part of, how I'd worked through different challenges, what I'd learned along the way. I felt comfortable, I was getting my points across, telling things with the right level of detail. The fit felt strong.

Until the conversation switched to English.

The team was based in the US. The role wasn't just about building; it required talking to stakeholders, pushing back on decisions, debating trade-offs. That meant fluent English. The moment she switched languages, everything I'd been building collapsed in five seconds.

It's not that I don't understand anything. I understand quite a bit. It's something else, harder to explain: in Spanish I'm one person, and in English I'm someone else.

In Spanish I can argue, nuance, tell a story with the right structure so the other person understands not just the what but the why. I can crack a joke, ask for a pause, say "wait, let me explain this another way". My personality works there. The opportunities I've had in my career didn't come because I was the most technical person, they came because I could communicate, connect, tell what I was doing in a way that landed. Communication is my main tool.

In English, that tool falls out of my hands.

I become introverted. I use simple words, short sentences, the bare minimum. I avoid speaking up unless I really have to. When I do, I get through it, but I don't recognize myself in what I'm saying. It's as if someone put bad subtitles on my personality.

Inside, something worse happens. The moment someone uses a word I don't know, or has an accent I can't process, or speaks at native-level speed, my mind shuts down. The loop starts: "I don't understand anything", "I have so much English left to learn", "I need to study more", "I'm never going to get this". Once the loop is running I'm not listening to them anymore, I'm listening to myself. I try to guess by context, open the translator in another tab, put together a possible answer. It's inefficient and I know it. But my body already went into defense mode.

And there's one thought that always shows up: "if I had started as a kid". If I'd gone to a bilingual school, if I'd put in the work earlier, what-if, what-if, what-if. Comparisons with a past that doesn't exist, where some version of me is already fluent and skips all of this. That version is never going to arrive. But the thought comes back anyway.

What I'm describing isn't an isolated story. It's a pattern that's repeating right now, as I write this and look for work. Recruiters reach out with interesting offers, I send my profile, there's a match. Then the interview is in English and I get cut before the technical round. The wording is always similar: "your profile is an impressive fit, but your English isn't at the level we need". I'm out before I can show what I can actually do. I don't even reach the part of the process where I could shine.

That's what I find hardest to swallow. It's not that I lose to someone with a better profile. It's that I never get to that stage.

Sometimes I get angry at the system, and sometimes I get angry at myself for not starting earlier. Both feelings coexist without resolving. The only thing I know is that of the two, the only one I can actually do something about is the second.

I'm studying. One hour a day, with British Council material, every day except Sundays. I do exercises, written work, build vocabulary and new structures. At my desk I'm fine. I understand what I read, I answer what I need to answer, I complete what I need to complete. Then a real meeting happens and all of that evaporates. The distance between "knowing English" and "being yourself in English" is huge, and nobody warns you that the second trip is the longer one.

I leave the hard meetings with my body tired and my self-esteem on the floor. Relief that it's over, frustration that I know I didn't give my best, the urge to close the laptop and not open it until the next day. Then I go back to studying. That's the part nobody sees.

Sometimes I ask myself why I keep putting myself in these situations if this is what they feel like. The honest answer is that English is the missing tool for my career to take the next step. I know it. It's the only way to access the products, teams and problems I actually want to touch. I don't want to sound native, that's not the goal. What I want is to be able to convey in English what I convey in Spanish. To get the tool back, in another language.

That journey is just starting. I don't have a happy ending to share. What I have is this snapshot from the middle of the road: English still keeps me out of opportunities that matter to me, I keep studying every day, I keep taking meetings I know will be a bit painful. It is what it is.

If you're going through something similar, write to me and tell me how you're navigating it. I suspect there are a lot of us going through this, and we don't talk about it enough.